Hushed Voices, Secrets Untold

Living with Domestic Violence – Part II

I began this story in December of 2010 here on this blog and never continued it. Well, it is time I told you the rest of the story. I left off in California I believe. Our marriage continued to deteriorate. There were a lot of fights and emotional abuse. I was back handed at the dinner table on many occasions. We had friends living with us, for reasons I won’t go in to, and they were worried about my state of well being. Well, finally my husband was discharged from the military, and we headed home to live with his parents, until we could find a place to live and get settled. I was hoping being around family would modify his behavior.

We moved home in April of 1988. I was 4 months pregnant with our second child. At first things seemed better. But, then with the frustration of not having a normal salary and not being able to find a job, it started again. The screaming, the emotional abuse, the back handing at the dinner table. One instance I remember very clearly. I had made dinner, and it evidently wasn’t what he wanted, and the entire dinner ended up on the dining room floor. Yes, that was normal in our house.

Well, we finally moved to Georgia, where my husband was working. We had moved many times in between. I won’t bore you with where and how. Just know that the emotional/physical violence is increasing. In Georgia is where the heart of my story begins to unfold. It is now 1992 and my children are 4 and 7.

Now, you ask yourself why does she put up with the abuse? You have to understand the cycle of abuse. The woman, or abused person, becomes afraid to go and afraid to stay. She becomes afraid of the consequences if she stays and afraid of the consequences if she leaves. I had someone tell me today, that the woman makes a conscious choice to stay. I told the person evidently they have no understanding of what it is like to be abused.

When you are living a life of domestic violence there is a love/violence circle that goes on day after day, month after month, year after year. There will be days of peace and days of hurt and pain. The days that are filled with hurt and pain are followed by apologies, flowers, promises to never do it again, and filled with love. Those days can be long periods of time or short ones. The days that are filled with hurt and pain, you say to your self, “How can I stay?” and the days filled with peace you say, “Why should I leave?” This cycle continues until you just cannot stay anymore.

I will continue my story and its conclusion in subsequent posts. They will be difficult to write. I suppose that is why it has take a year and a half to continue the story but it must continue. Not only for my sake but, for the millons of women that suffer silently each year. These women should not have to suffer in silence. Domestic violence isn’t their fault. They should not be ashamed. We have to make a change and it has to start today.

If you or someone you know is suffering please get help.  Help is available here on this website under the topic Get Help, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline Number  1−800−799−SAFE  (7233). 

Be the change, save a life.

thegeekwife

Vanishing

This week I saw a headline that absolutely stopped me cold in my tracks. The headline was from a news organization called The Daily Mail. The article was about America turning a blind eye to the 64,000 missing black women across the country. This is a horrifying number of women that have disappeared in our country. It is frightening to think how many of them possibly were harmed at the hands of someone they once loved. Too many women simply vanish in this country each year.

Women in this country, when harmed, more often times than not, are acquainted with their attacker. It is more common for a woman to be a victim of a friend/lover/husband/mate than a stranger. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence ”an estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year. Also, 16,800 homicides each year due to partner violence and one-third of female homicide victims that are reported in police records are killed by an intimate partner.”

Domestic violence is a silent killer for women. I say this because most women do not report domestic violence injuries. I know this first hand. I did not at first then eventually as the violence worsened I had to. Too many women are in danger each and every year from those that they love.  Women are frightened into not reporting the violence that they suffer. Women should not have to suffer at the hands of those they love.

If you or someone you know is suffering please get help.  Help is available here on this website under the topic Get Help.

Also, if you have any information regarding any of the missing women mentioned in this article or any other missing woman, please contact the Black And Missing Foundation at 1-877-972-2634 or click simply click on the name and it takes you directly to their website.

Please help stop the violence. Domestic violence has to end. Violence against women has to end.

thegeekwife

Re-directing Focus

As many of you know, who followed my domestic violence blog posts at my other blog Ramblings of The Geek Wife, I posted there about many things including domestic violence. I decided that my domestic violence work needed a focus all its own due to the very nature of the topic and its importance. This new blog Hushed Voices, Secrets Untold will focus on domestic violence specifically and the available resources to its victims. Domestic violence is an epidemic that we all need to work together to bring national focus to, so that one day this will no longer be such a huge issue like it is today. The new focus will include such things as the stigma that is still attached to domestic violence, giving victims of domestic violence a voice, one woman and child at a time and finally, the fact that the violence is not always physical.

In 2010, according to the National Network to End Domestic Violence 70, 648 victims were served in one day, in shelters across the country. This really puts into perspective how large this problem really is. That is ONE day. Therefore, I am directing my focus of this blog to getting help to this that need it most. Those that can’t get help through traditional means. If you know someone that may need help, or even suspect they may need it, please direct them to this website. As you can see there are already many resources here and more are being added every day.

Please be a part of the solution, be an advocate, be a volunteer, work the hotline, donate your time, money, or whatever you feel you can. Domestic violence affects many people every year, and that number is growing by the thousands every year. Let’s stop this epidemic now.

thegeekwife

Silent Pain

These last few months have been really hard on my extended family has we have dealt with yet another suicide. This time it was my ex-brother-in-law. He left behind a 20 year old son and a 16 year old daughter. He and his wife had been married for 25 years. Later that same week a friend of mine also suffered a suicide loss in his family as well.  Then this week I have watched two of my friends struggle with how to get their loved ones mental help that are struggling to deal with awful things that have happened in their lives.

I am struggling with trying to help these people with their pain and suffering as much as I can but at some point I have come to the realization that these people need more help than I can give them. Silent pain, as I call it, is a killer. This means keeping stuff bottled up inside, refusing there is a problem, not wanting to change the situation, or wanting to change it but not wanting to do the work to make it change, and cutting yourself off from all those that love you to be around those that make you feel better about yourself in very bad ways.

Silent pain is something domestic violence victims are very, very familiar with. If there is no treatment after domestic violence, this silent pain starts to eat away at the very fabric of your being and you become defensive to those you love, you cut yourself off from those that love you the most, you begin a self-destructive pattern of alcohol, or drug abuse, sleeping around, doing anything that makes you feel “good”, and I use that term loosely.

Watching someone try to stuff this pain deep inside and act like all is normal is hard. They are literally a walking time bomb waiting to go off. They act like if they ignore it, it will go away, or if they don’t think about it, it just won’t be there. Or they keep moving so fast, staying busy as to not to have to deal with it. Does this sound like you or someone you know? If so please, please seek help before this silent killer, kills you. Therapy is critical after any traumatic event that leaves you broken and vulnerable.

If you have children, you must seek help so that you can continue to be the stable parent they depend on. They cannot help you, do not turn to them for help and comfort. You need expert help, someone that can understand your suffering and help you deal with the demons that are taunting you. If you need help there is help available here on my website. Your call will be kept confidential, but please get help before it is too late.

thegeekwife

Old Threats

I have been speaking lately to several women who have been set back in their journey to recover from domestic violence by the reappearance of the ex-husband and the violence that came from that reappearance. I have watched the landslide that came with that reappearance and it is just horrible how much progress disappears when that threat makes itself known again. I have watched them struggle with the self-confidence they worked so hard to gain and felt for them when they tried to describe how far they thought they had come until he walked back into their lives.

It is amazing how hard domestic violence victims have to fight to regain their sense of self and their independence after being left completely vulnerable and exposed by the offender, whether it be a spouse or a boyfriend. And it is even more amazing how fast it all comes tumbling down when that threat reappears and becomes real again.

One of these women had been to a couple of police departments recently, begging for help and protection from her ex. He was stalking her, calling her, following her, and appearing at her work. She even had to change her phone number. What was she told? There was nothing they could do. He knows how the system works, he would provoke her just to the point as not to get arrested, therefore according to the law he had done nothing wrong. Meanwhile he making this woman feel threatened, scared and miserable, and laughing about it.

As a woman who has survived horrible violence at the hands of an abuser this angered me! How dare a police department whose job it is to serve and protect say there is nothing we can do. Domestic violence laws have to change and change now. There is never an instance where a woman should not feel save in her own home and her own place of employment, and she should never be told her own police department can do nothing to protect her.

I challenge each and every one of you to make a difference and help STOP domestic violence once and for all. This cannot continue. Women must feel safe, they must know that the police can and will make a difference and that they can stop this behavior all together and let it be known it is not acceptable and will not be tolerated!

thegeekwife

Hiding

I had an appointment with my therapist this week and we were talking about all the things I have been through in the last year, some good some bad. Things such as getting laid off after 10 years at my job, the death of my mom, getting married, the birth of my grandson, my husband changing jobs, the death of my ex-BIL, the list goes on. She mentioned that those were a lot of life changes in a year of someone’s life. As we were talking about the feelings I was having about all of it, I kept mentioning how busy I was with school, my new marriage, etc… and she said something profound. She said. “I wonder if you are hiding behind of that busyness and not really dealing with your feelings.”

This statement really bothered me because as I learned in therapy years ago after domestic violence you cannot hide. Dealing with the feelings, the anger, the rage, the sadness, the humiliation, all of it has to be dealt with. I had to ask myself was I taking a step backwards. I told my therapist that every domestic violence victim is always on the road to recovery. We are always working on self-motivation, self-preservation, self-discovery, self-esteem and all those things that lead us to a better place. It takes work everyday. I began to wonder had I gotten so busy with my life had I quit working on all the things that got me here in the first place? The answer was YES.

That was an awful discovery.

It is like starting over for an alcoholic that has dropped off the wagon. Staying on the road to recovery after domestic violence, as I mentioned before, takes work every day. I have fallen off that wagon per se. I have gotten so busy with my life that I have forgotten to keep working on my recovery that now I am hiding again, not dealing with feelings, holding stuff in and finding excuses not to deal with stuff.

You may say to yourself, well it’s not like you are drinking or doing drugs. What you don’t understand is that domestic violence completely destroys a human being. It breaks them down, they have no self-esteem, no idea of who they are, they have no identity, no sense of self, no idea of what or who they should be, they have been told for who knows how long they are worthless, and good for nothing. They have been manipulated, followed, told how to eat, dress and live. They have been beaten and abused, time after time and most times, worse.

This leads to a  victim being completely broken, exposed, completely vulnerable and leaves them open for a lifetime of  having episodes when these feelings are worse than others. Therefore, recovery is a lifelong process. It is imperative that every domestic violence victim keeps working towards their recovery everyday. I have lost my way but I will get back on that path once again. If you are a survivor don’t get lost in the here and now, maintain your recovery before everything you have worked for seems no longer important. Fight for every day and fight for your happiness and your survival. I am.

If you are hurting and need help, there is help for you here.

thegeekwife

Perseverance

I was speaking with someone the other day and they asked me, after everything I have been through, why had I not just thrown in the towel so to speak. They wondered why I wasn’t suicidal, nervous, on drugs, a mental case per se. I get asked that question a lot. My life has been hard, but not as hard as some I expect.

In 1975 I lost my father to suicide at age 9. I lived in a household where my father was abusive to my mother, was an alcoholic and he eventually died. His death was horrible and tragic and my mother did not handle it well. My mother then remarried.

When I was in high school, my boyfriend was murdered after he dropped me at home after a date. Later, in 1985 I married a man that would abuse me for 10 years before that marriage ended in divorce. In 1993 my beautiful daughter Ceara Alexa died. This for me was the most painful thing I have endured in my lifetime. Then in 1999 the night before Thanksgiving my brother committed suicide when he was 32 years old. In April 2010 I buried my last remaining parent, my mother. Grief and I are very familiar with each other; there has been a great deal of it.

Now, while all of these things are horrible and seem to just go on and on I have always reminded myself of five things:

Life is too short to be miserable, you must go on living and loving.

With God anything is possible.

Life is too precious to waste.

There is always someone worse off than you are.

Finally, my motto: That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

I owe a great deal of my ability to persevere to my church and clergy, my faith has never let me down. Also, after my domestic violence ordeal, I owe a great deal to the people within the domestic violence organization, without them my life after my ordeal would not be what it is today. If you had told me 15 years ago I would be graduating Cum Laude with my Master’s Degree in a few short weeks I would have looked at you and told you, you were crazy, it wasn’t possible for me. Time changes things but so does your ability to persevere. If you are being abused, just have faith that you will and can change your life, this isn’t and doesn’t have to be forever. There are people here willing to help you. They helped me and I have persevered.

thegeekwife

Be the Change, Save a Life

I was watching “The View” one morning and Diane Sawyer was on the show talking about her new 20/20 special “Be the Change, Save a Life” that aired Friday night December 17, 2010, on ABC. She was speaking about how she is going around the country challenging high school students to solve one of the worlds problems, and once they do so, sending that solution to whatever country that needed the solution and making a change, saving a life. It occurred to me that this is how we could possibly put an end to domestic violence.

Domestic violence is a national epidemic. It is not just a local problem. Women come from all walks of life, rich, and poor are suffering. They are suffering because we cannot figure out how to put an end to this never ending, vicious cycle problem. Maybe what we need is a challenge to figure out how to solve this problem. Sure, it is a social, behavioral and economical problem, but there has to be a solution. Women and children must stop suffering at the hands of those they love. Women must stop dying because they once trusted and loved someone.

Domestic violence is a silent epidemic no one talks about it until it is too late. This is the solution to the problem, education, community awareness, community programs, and community volunteering. But, most of all getting it out in the open where women who are abused are not afraid to come for help, are not afraid they won’t be heard and are not afraid that they have to hang their heads in shame and embarrassment due to the abuse.
I am challenging us all to find a solution to the problem and cure this silent epidemic. It is about time that women and children can be safe in their homes, and safe to live a life full of love and happiness. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is working diligently everyday to find new solutions to this problem.

Posted on this site is information to help those that may be hurting, but further more there is a link to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence so that you may contact them with ideas, and other resources to help put an end to domestic violence.

Let’s make 2011 the year we find a solution to and put an end to domestic violence, one woman at a time.

thegeekwife

Fear

I was riding home this afternoon and I heard a woman call in for the Magic 96.5 FM Magic Christmas Wish program. This woman was a victim of domestic violence. She had 5 children, and her husband was in jail for domestic violence. She had no way of providing Christmas for them, her stove doesn’t work and the heat in her car was broken. This affected me in a major way. I wanted to reach out to her but have no idea who she is. But, I remember those days of despair and desperation.

There was a time when I was alone trying to figure out how to raise children on no support, working three jobs, and scared to death about how to feed my family and survive on my own. This woman’s pleas brought all of that back to me.

There are too many women out there alone, scared and trying to figure out how to make it on their own. That is why so many women stay in abusive relationships, fear. They are afraid to leave, afraid to stay, afraid to call out for help, afraid to stand on their own and change their lives. They are afraid of the unknown, afraid of what lies ahead, afraid of what might happen to her children, and afraid to go through it alone.

This has to stop. Women have to realize that they are not alone, there is help out there. We need to empower them to reach out, support them, give them encouragement to make that call. It is time to put a stop to the suffering, and pain and embarrassment of domestic violence. Please find time to learn about domestic violence, its causes and ways to prevent it. Find a way to volunteer to help these women, if you can. Donate to shelters; money, clothes, and food are always welcome. If you know someone in your community that is suffering please lead them to help. This woman needs help and there are too many like her. Like me, once.

Let’s put an end to domestic violence, today.

thegeekwife

Veil of Secrecy

I made the decision to put my blog address on my social network page so that my family could read about the important work I am doing and read about my life passion; helping other women who have suffered domestic violence, giving them a voice and removing the veil of secrecy (stigma) attached to domestic violence. He asked me why I had not done it before and my response was that most of my family did not know about the abuse I had suffered at the hands of my ex-husband.

He was surprised and as soon as it came out of my mouth, I thought wow, they don’t know. Had I kept it a secret to protect myself from judgment from my family, to save myself from a ton of questions, to protect my children? I really did not know the answer to that. Then I went away to the mountains and I had time to reflect on that very question.

I had my answer. I was protecting my family from the ugliness that is domestic violence.

Domestic violence still today has a terrible stigma that is attached to the victims and their pain and suffering. Domestic violence victims are still hanging their heads in shame and are afraid to get help and talk to others about their pain.

In protecting my family, I missed an opportunity to talk to my extended family about my experiences, and how to prevent them. I have young female cousins that I am sure their parents have not talked to about domestic violence. I also missed an opportunity to share how I survived, got help and changed my life. Therefore, I listed my blog address so maybe my cousins can read about my experiences through social media.

I started my blog on domestic violence with the hope that I could reach more victims and let them see they have a voice and there is help. We can work together to lift the veil of secrecy, by bringing this subject out in the open, discussing it with our families, sharing experiences with our youths and working together to make the consequences for causing so much pain, and suffering, greater than they are today.

I encourage all of you, if you have been abused and managed to leave and change your life, to share your stories with other women, so that they too may be empowered by your decisions and success. If you are hurting there is information here to help you.

Let’s start today to life the veil of secrecy and stop the violence, one woman at a time.

thegeekwife