We are now in Georgia, and I am working at a chain of movie rental stores as a Controller (accountant). My marriage has continued to deteriorate, and at this point I have started to fear for my life, and for my children.
The attacks of violence have become so frequent that I am so used to them now that the flowers and forgiveness routine have no effect on me. I am numb and I am walking through life with literally no emotion but fear.
The abuse is no encompassing the entire range, both physical and emotional.
My co-workers begin to notice the bruises on my neck, face, arms, cheeks, etc….
They tell me, “You don’t have to live like this.” Of course I tell them, “I know”, and I keep on with what whatever I was doing. Now, you have to undersand the cycle of abuse.
When you are living a life of domestic violence, there is a love/violence circle that goes on day after day, month after month, year after year. There will be days of peace, days of hurt, and pain.
The days that are filled with hurt and pain are followed by apologies, flowers, promises to never do it again, and filled with love. Those days can be long periods of time or short ones. You never know with domestic violence offenders, they have anger issues, they drink and they have very short fuses. You never know what will set them off. It could be something simple as a wrinkle in their favorite shirt, it could be their food is not heated properly, it doesn’t really matter the reason, it just happens.
The days that are filled with hurt and pain, you say to your self, “How can I stay?” and the days filled with peace you say, “Why should I leave?” This cycle continues until you just cannot stay anymore.
One night will live forever in my memory.
I made him his favorite meal, my beef stew. He says it was made him fall in love with me. I am busy setting he table. He comes home from work angry about something. I of course start my “walking on eggshells’ routine. Well that doesn’t work. Beef stew winds up everywhere. The rampage has begun. The screaming started first, then the hitting, but tonight was different, he was in a rage. He woke up my oldest son, with his yelling, and in his rage he picked up a box of books. He threw them at me, and well about the time he launched them at me, my son happened to step in the room.
I became outraged and went after him. In his anger, he picked me up and threw me against a wall, and I landed in a heap in the floor. I knew I was hurt badly so, I pretty much just stayed there huddled in the floor, with my child in my arms, until his rage subsided, and he passed out.
My son was in shock at what his father had done, at what he had witnessed. I managed to make it to work the next morning, only to be taken to the doctor, to be told I had some injuries which required care.
No, I did not divulge how they happened. I pulled the usual domestic violence victim routine.
I had fallen down the stairs.
These memories are not easy for me, but they must be told so that another victim can find the courage to get help, I did. In upcoming posts I will tak about how I got away and got help. If you are hurting and need help, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline Number 1−800−799−SAFE (7233), there are people waiting there to help you. There are also resources on this blog under Get Help.
Make the call, it will change your life. You do not have to life this way.