Hushed Voices, Secrets Untold

Giving women a voice, one day at a time

Archive for the month “December, 2010”

Be the Change, Save a Life

I was watching “The View” one morning and Diane Sawyer was on the show talking about her new 20/20 special “Be the Change, Save a Life” that aired Friday night December 17, 2010, on ABC. She was speaking about how she is going around the country challenging high school students to solve one of the worlds problems, and once they do so, sending that solution to whatever country that needed the solution and making a change, saving a life. It occurred to me that this is how we could possibly put an end to domestic violence.

Domestic violence is a national epidemic. It is not just a local problem. Women come from all walks of life, rich, and poor are suffering. They are suffering because we cannot figure out how to put an end to this never ending, vicious cycle problem. Maybe what we need is a challenge to figure out how to solve this problem. Sure, it is a social, behavioral and economical problem, but there has to be a solution. Women and children must stop suffering at the hands of those they love. Women must stop dying because they once trusted and loved someone.

Domestic violence is a silent epidemic no one talks about it until it is too late. This is the solution to the problem, education, community awareness, community programs, and community volunteering. But, most of all getting it out in the open where women who are abused are not afraid to come for help, are not afraid they won’t be heard and are not afraid that they have to hang their heads in shame and embarrassment due to the abuse.

I am challenging us all to find a solution to the problem and cure this silent epidemic. It is about time that women and children can be safe in their homes, and safe to live a life full of love and happiness. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is working diligently everyday to find new solutions to this problem.

Posted on this site is information to help those that may be hurting, but further more there is a link to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence so that you may contact them with ideas, and other resources to help put an end to domestic violence.

Let’s make 2011 the year we find a solution to and put an end to domestic violence, one woman at a time.



I was riding home this afternoon and I heard a woman call in for the Magic 96.5 FM Magic Christmas Wish program. This woman was a victim of domestic violence. She had 5 children, and her husband was in jail for domestic violence. She had no way of providing Christmas for them, her stove doesn’t work and the heat in her car was broken. This affected me in a major way. I wanted to reach out to her but have no idea who she is. But, I remember those days of despair and desperation.

There was a time when I was alone trying to figure out how to raise children on no support, working three jobs, and scared to death about how to feed my family and survive on my own. This woman’s pleas brought all of that back to me.

There are too many women out there alone, scared and trying to figure out how to make it on their own. That is why so many women stay in abusive relationships, fear. They are afraid to leave, afraid to stay, afraid to call out for help, afraid to stand on their own and change their lives. They are afraid of the unknown, afraid of what lies ahead, afraid of what might happen to her children, and afraid to go through it alone.

This has to stop. Women have to realize that they are not alone, there is help out there. We need to empower them to reach out, support them, give them encouragement to make that call. It is time to put a stop to the suffering, and pain and embarrassment of domestic violence. Please find time to learn about domestic violence, its causes and ways to prevent it. Find a way to volunteer to help these women, if you can. Donate to shelters; money, clothes, and food are always welcome. If you know someone in your community that is suffering please lead them to help. This woman needs help and there are too many like her. Like me, once.

Let’s put an end to domestic violence, today.


Veil of Secrecy

I made the decision to put my blog address on my social network page so that my family could read about the important work I am doing and read about my life passion; helping other women who have suffered domestic violence, giving them a voice and removing the veil of secrecy (stigma) attached to domestic violence. He asked me why I had not done it before and my response was that most of my family did not know about the abuse I had suffered at the hands of my ex-husband.

He was surprised and as soon as it came out of my mouth, I thought wow, they don’t know. Had I kept it a secret to protect myself from judgment from my family, to save myself from a ton of questions, to protect my children? I really did not know the answer to that. Then I went away to the mountains and I had time to reflect on that very question.

I had my answer. I was protecting my family from the ugliness that is domestic violence.

Domestic violence still today has a terrible stigma that is attached to the victims and their pain and suffering. Domestic violence victims are still hanging their heads in shame and are afraid to get help and talk to others about their pain.

In protecting my family, I missed an opportunity to talk to my extended family about my experiences, and how to prevent them. I have young female cousins that I am sure their parents have not talked to about domestic violence. I also missed an opportunity to share how I survived, got help and changed my life. Therefore, I listed my blog address so maybe my cousins can read about my experiences through social media.

I started my blog on domestic violence with the hope that I could reach more victims and let them see they have a voice and there is help. We can work together to lift the veil of secrecy, by bringing this subject out in the open, discussing it with our families, sharing experiences with our youths and working together to make the consequences for causing so much pain, and suffering, greater than they are today.

I encourage all of you, if you have been abused and managed to leave and change your life, to share your stories with other women, so that they too may be empowered by your decisions and success. If you are hurting there is information here to help you.

Let’s start today to life the veil of secrecy and stop the violence, one woman at a time.


Living With Domestic Violence

I met the man that abused me, I was 16 years old, miserable at home and not happy with life in general. I met him while I was working at a restaurant and he was a waiter, he was 4 years older than me and had been in college a while. He was good looking, well-off, well-mannered, he spoiled me, made me feel like a queen and he was very charming. He had the kind of charm that as my mom would say “could charm the skin off of a snake”.

Many have asked, did I recognize when I was dating him, what my life with him would be like? Looking back I can honestly say that we had fights, nothing most dating couples didn’t have, but ours were worse. He had a bad temper and yes he liked to drink even then, a lot. I just contributed that to him being part of a fraternity and the college life. Well, we got married my second semester in college and shortly thereafter, I was pregnant.

He convinced me to leave college and then proceeded to drag me 1,200 miles away from any of my family and friends. The abuse started quietly, mostly anger to start and of course the drinking. He was in the military and we were barely making ends meet and the financial stress, as well as the stress of a military job started making things worse. One day he came home and his dinner was on the table and it had gotten cold, and all of a sudden I felt him back hand me across the face. Of course I was horrified and he begged me to forgive him and he swore never to do that again. The following few days were tranquil. This cycle of bruised cheeks and apologizing repeated it self for several months, and then he got stationed in another city 3,000 miles away from my family and friends in California. Then things began to change.

I will continue this story in my subsequent posts. If you have never been abused these next posts may be difficult to read but they are important. The veil of secrecy and silence that has been a part of domestic violence must be lifted and the abused must have a voice. If you are suffering, there is information here to help you. Please speak out, find your voice and get the help you need.

Please feel free to comment, your comments are welcome.

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