Hushed Voices, Secrets Untold

Giving women a voice, one day at a time

Archive for the tag “suffering”

22 Jun 2012
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Two Truths and a Lie

The other day at work we were celebrating All American Day and we were eating and playing games. Well, this one game came up where you had to tell two truths and a lie about yourself. It was then up to your co-workers to decide, depending on how well they knew you, which one was the lie.

Well I decided that mine were: I had been a dancer most of my life, I have 3 small children and I was a domestic violence survivor.

If you know me at all, you know the first and the last are true, and the middle one is a lie. Many people at my work already knew I was a domestic violence survivor, and and advocate for victims and survivors. Many of the ladies I worked with were survivors as well. After the games and eating were over, a young lady approached me and asked, “How can you admit something like that, out loud, in front of all these people?” I asked her, “Why not?” I then proceeded to inform her that I was not the one who needed to be ashamed, that I had done nothing wrong.

I explained to her that I was the victim, and that I had no reason to walk around hiding the fact that I was the one that was abused. The one that was made to feel like I was worthless, unloveable, and undesired. I explained to her that if anyone needed to feel ashamed, it should be the man that made me feel this way.

I am not ashamed, I do not hang my head and want to hide the fact I was abused. If anyone should be ashamed it is the abusers NOT the victims. Once I was free, it took me years of therapy to understand that the violence occurred not because of something I did but, because he was insecure and did not love himself enough to love me the way I was meant to be loved. It took me forever to realize that none of my suffering was my fault. I finally realized I could be loved for me the way I was meant to be loved, and there was help out there, and another life free of pain and suffering.

If you are suffering, you are not to blame, they are. Reach out, I know it is hard and frightening, but that phone call could save your life, and lead to a new life of health and happiness. If you need help please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline Number  1−800−799−SAFE  (7233). There are people waiting there who care.

thegeekwife

Posted in Domestic Violence and tagged , , , ,
11 Dec 2010

Living With Domestic Violence

I met the man that abused me, I was 16 years old, miserable at home and not happy with life in general. I met him while I was working at a restaurant and he was a waiter, he was 4 years older than me and had been in college a while. He was good looking, well-off, well-mannered, he spoiled me, made me feel like a queen and he was very charming. He had the kind of charm that as my mom would say “could charm the skin off of a snake”.

Many have asked, did I recognize when I was dating him, what my life with him would be like? Looking back I can honestly say that we had fights, nothing most dating couples didn’t have, but ours were worse. He had a bad temper and yes he liked to drink even then, a lot. I just contributed that to him being part of a fraternity and the college life. Well, we got married my second semester in college and shortly thereafter, I was pregnant.

He convinced me to leave college and then proceeded to drag me 1,200 miles away from any of my family and friends. The abuse started quietly, mostly anger to start and of course the drinking. He was in the military and we were barely making ends meet and the financial stress, as well as the stress of a military job started making things worse. One day he came home and his dinner was on the table and it had gotten cold, and all of a sudden I felt him back hand me across the face. Of course I was horrified and he begged me to forgive him and he swore never to do that again. The following few days were tranquil. This cycle of bruised cheeks and apologizing repeated it self for several months, and then he got stationed in another city 3,000 miles away from my family and friends in California. Then things began to change.

I will continue this story in my subsequent posts. If you have never been abused these next posts may be difficult to read but they are important. The veil of secrecy and silence that has been a part of domestic violence must be lifted and the abused must have a voice. If you are suffering, there is information here to help you. Please speak out, find your voice and get the help you need.

Please feel free to comment, your comments are welcome.
thegeekwife

Posted in Domestic Violence and tagged , , , | Leave a Comment
31 Oct 2010

Domestic Violence Prevention

Domestic violence is a vicious cycle that grabs a hold of families and repeats itself over generations. When I was a little girl, growing up in a home filled with domestic violence and alcoholism, my mother never had time to talk to me about how to avoid domestic violence as she was living her own personal nightmare. After my father died and we moved on, all my mother wanted to do was forget about everything that had happened to her. I don’t think she ever really dealt with all of the feelings and the pain. As I grew older, my mother never wanted to talk about the pain she endured, nor would she ever talk about my father. I grew up literally not understanding what had happened in my own home. Until I was living my own hell, called domestic violence, and then it was too late.

The key to prevention and breaking the cycle is speaking out, finding a voice and educating others.  Had my mother talked to me about her experiences, and given me the tools to be educated about domestic violence, the cycle may have ended with her. However, I never found out what behaviors to look for, what signs to look for, and how not to be drawn to men that make me feel good about myself in ways that are not healthy. If you have a daughter, please make sure she is aware of this problem, and what to do if it occurs. Also, talk to her about how a good man is supposed to treat her, and how to stay away from men that will only hurt her.

Another means of prevention is community education and volunteering at agencies that provide assistance to these victims. Getting the word out about this silent epidemic is key to prevent it from spreading.  Domestic violence is the silent epidemic no one talks about, because society has given a stigma to domestic violence survivors, like we have something to be ashamed of. This has to change if we are to conquer this problem.

I am not ashamed, I do not hang my head and want to hide the fact I was abused. If anyone should be ashamed it is the abusers NOT the victims. Once I was free, it took me years of therapy to understand that the violence occurred not because of something I did but, because he was insecure and did not love himself enough to love me the way I was meant to be loved. It took me forever to realize that none of my suffering was my fault. I finally realized I could be loved for me the way I was meant to be loved, and there was help out there, and another life free of pain and suffering.

If you are suffering and need help, I have listed four contacts under the Get Help section of my blog. You can click there and find the help you need.

 

thegeekwife

Posted in Domestic Violence and tagged , , , , | Leave a Comment

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